January Meditation: Imposter Syndrome

January 2025 hit like a left hook, throwing me into a whirlwind of emotions. At the start of the month, I shed what no longer served me, cracking myself open like a seed finally breaking free. By mid-month, I felt my creative spirit reignite, and also had to confront the weight of political despair. As the month came to a close, I found renewed strength in my commitment to my community and to myself. But the most insidious realization of all was the unconscious grip imposter syndrome had on my life. Without my awareness, it had settled into my mind, making itself at home.

As the daughter of immigrants, I always knew imposter syndrome lurked within me. I had seen it in my friends, mentors, and family members. For me, it manifested as the constant fear of being exposed as a fraud, like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. I worried that one day, people would see through me, that my success was an illusion, that I had somehow tricked my way into every achievement.

The anxiety was suffocating. It made me feel as if none of my accomplishments mattered. I felt unworthy. This kind of thinking was a slow, relentless form of self-sabotage. I was bullying myself, dismissing years of hard work, gaslighting myself into believing I wasn’t extraordinary. At sixteen, I had no tools or support to understand what was happening, or fight against it either. 

Today, I no longer suffer from it in the same way. Imposter syndrome still lingers and stops me from celebrating my accomplishments. I wasn’t even aware of it until I was scrolling through Tik Tok and came across the quote:

“I can’t celebrate my achievements because, in my mind, it was my obligation to achieve them. I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment after achieving something—just a mild sense of relief that it’s done. This is another version of imposter syndrome.”

The woman in the video looked as stunned as I felt. I swiped away, but the words stayed with me, tucked in the back of my mind for further processing. That quote had given language to an experience I had been living through. One I never knew could be put into words.

After the quote and its implications finished marinating in my mind, I had only one reaction: FUCK.

Fuck, because now I have emotional work to do.

But I’m grateful that this realization hasn’t come with only negativity. As a testament to all the emotional work I’ve done, I can recognize that yes, imposter syndrome has brought me anxiety and grief, but it has also given me a deep and genuine joy in celebrating and supporting others. I will never hesitate to be someone’s cheerleader because I know exactly how much it means to be seen and celebrated. And being celebrated by others? That feels like your best friend surprising you on your lunch break with your favorite ice cream. Just because they love you.

And until it becomes second nature, I will be practicing celebrating and being proud of myself.