Between Joy and Discomfort: What February Taught Me

Take 57,623,846,230,498,623…

I have started, stopped, come back, published, archived, and come back again to writing this post in the span of 3 weeks. When I first started writing this I was trying to put my best foot forward, and half way through I wanted to throw the whole post away. Because it didn’t sound like me, it sounded performative. I was trying to sound smart. Instead of being the smart and capable person I know myself to be.

So I wrote how I talk inside my head, and I thought that was that. However, when I reread the post I published a couple of hours later, I felt like I said a whole lot of nothing. I definitely recounted what my February felt like, but I felt like I only included the bones in the post, and not the actual juicy meat. So I archived the post, and decided to sit down and inject some pizazz.

And yes… spoiler alert… This is exactly how my March is going.

Cognitive Dissonance

On one hand I have tranquil waters of joy and peace. Like a pond. On the other hand I have the emotional turbulence of a tempest water. Like the seas in a rage. And they meet inside my head to give me a strange feeling of confusion and cognitive dissonance.

Navigating through the world like this feels like getting out of an uber headed to your favorite band’s concert. You are so excited and you have the cutest outfit on. Then when you get out, your shoes are completely submerged in a big black wet puddle that you don’t see coming. The night would still be fun, but for that moment you were so upset.

That’s how I felt for most of February. My capacity for joy had expanded, but I was also facing withdrawals from stopping my antidepressants.

The Capricorn Joy of Routine

Perhaps it was a blessing that in February I kept myself in constant motion. My days usually looked like this:

6am – Waking up early in the morning and getting ready to leave.

7:30am – Grabbing a little coffee treat on the way to cat sit and listening to an audiobook

8am – Clock in for my regular job

11am – Lunch and drive back home while listening to an audiobook

4pm – Get off work and drive to cat sitting part 2 while listening to an audiobook

7:30pm – Drive back home while listening to an audiobook

8pm – Get home, eat dinner, do 1 other thing

10pm – Sleep

It’s very Capricorn of me to say that working from 6 AM to 8 PM felt like the time of my life, but the structure of those days kept me grounded while I was navigating the crash of coming off antidepressants. More than that, I found real joy in the little things. I liked listening to books while driving, I liked hanging out with cats and getting paid for it, and I liked knowing that I had something fun on the weekend. So these days came without the usual exhaustion weighing me down.

I want to point out that this lack of exhaustion was 100% because I was taking care of myself. My meal prep game was on point, I was sleeping at a regular time, and I was listening to stories I was fascinated with. I ended up finishing 6 books in February. My favorite one was Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro and the second best one was The Woman Destroyed by Simone de Beauvoir

February’s Tough Love

The universe also had the same idea. The ruthless energy that came through in February demanded me to look at how I was and was not loving myself. Some of the questions that came up were:

• What are the ways I am loving myself and not taking credit for it?
• What are the ways I am self sabotaging myself instead of loving myself?
• Am I standing up for myself and asking for what I need?
• Am I constantly overgiving or am I filling my cup so I can pour into others?

These questions helped me understand that shame and guilt were holding me back from loving myself more deeply. This showed up in my life in a variety of ways, but one that I think is easy to understand is meal prepping.

I feel good when I prepare meals. I eat enough protein in the morning to feel happy. The food that I eat is nutrient dense and helps me hit my protein goals. Prepping also helps me unload the mental stress of making food as I just have to heat it up for a minute and it’s good to go.

Life happens, however, and sometimes I don’t get around to meal prepping. Instead of letting it go, I found myself getting frustrated, blaming myself, and feeling like I had failed. Which felt more like self-sabotage than self-love.

So, I took a step back and focused on speaking to myself in a more compassionate and fair manner. It looked like this:

“I feel amazing when I prepare my meals over the weekend. It’s not always fun, but I love myself enough to set myself up for success. I’m going to show up for myself and make my week easier, not harder.”

This experience has taught me to show up for myself in new, kinder, and more compassionate ways.It’s a reminder that I’m not perfect. I’m always growing, evolving, and reprioritizing.

Recovering People Pleaser

But the biggest lesson in February was one I’ve always struggled with: letting go of people-pleasing.

In the past, I felt like it was the end of the world when someone didn’t like me. I would bend over backward, completely depleting myself for people who didn’t even care about me. But as I’ve grown, I’ve been recovering from that need for validation. Maria now refuses to tolerate disrespect. She expects commitment, communication, and grace.

Of course, the universe wanted to test if I was all talk. It was giving Options by Eemiaj. Life gave me a situation where I had to take accountability and offer the same compassion I would want, only to be met with a cold shoulder. This gave me a choice. Would I fall back into old habits, bending over backward to fix things, or would I stand up for myself and divest my energy?

Did I cry?

Yes.

Did I show up myself even though it was hard anyway?

Also yes.

Here are some key points I learned while sitting with myself and this situation:

Emotional labor

If you are are expecting the other person to follow up on an issue,

if you are not equipping yourself with the language and skills to communicate,

if you are expecting the other person to monitor their tone at all times,

and if you are unwilling to see beyond your own experiences,

you are pushing the emotional labor onto the other party.

Decency vs. Rudeness

Decency is a middle ground,

It is where Honesty is paired with Consideration.

The two extremes of Decency are Rudeness and Placation.

Rudeness is abrasive, dismissive, and contemptuous.

Placation is overly soft, avoidant, and insincere.

Directness vs. Discomfort

Directness prioritizes clarity over comfort.

Rudeness adds insult to injury.

Directness can lead to Discomfort

Discomfort does not mean Disrespect.

Communication & Your Inner World

Communicating your inner world is something only you can do.

You sharing your inner world will help people understand your limits.

If you don’t vocalize your inner thoughts, the other person is clueless

People aren’t mind readers.

OK. I think I finally feel satisfied with this. Thanks for reading!